My first inclination after throwing away the crutches was to take them right back again! The enemy was right there to remind me that I had failed many times before; that I would be right back to my old self. I was wobbly for a while but God reminded me that it is He who had called me. He is the one who would teach me; all I had to do was lean on Him.
I have always thought that I am vulnerable before my maker. I realized that I was not. I took it for granted that because He was privy to every facet of my life, then He would automatically work on the areas I needed to be worked on. I forgot that I had to surrender them to Him; He would not just intrude and His Spirit is gentle. Sometime before the new year I decided that I did want things to change completely. I went to Him and exposed all my spots and scars slowly. He has taken His time with them too. These are wounds that have been formed over time. Some have been healed immediately and others will take a bit of work.
He checked me into His hospital room of prayer and fasting as soon as I was well enough to get out of bed. He granted me a huge dose of grace for this period. I showed Him my hurts and He let me see how I had let them fester into hopelessness, doubt and unbelief. He let me see how I had let that affect how I saw myself; how I forgot that I was made in His image and likeness. I forgot that I was now part of a chosen people, a royal priesthood and a holy nation. I forgot that I was the temple of the Holy Spirit and that in and through me, there was a great work that He had specifically chosen for me to do when He called me to salvation. I forgot about my great inheritance in Christ Jesus. He was patient, he reminded of it all. And I repented.
It has taken learning this gentle person again. He is called the Holy Spirit. He is my friend, my guide, my confidant, my help. He is God. The one Jesus promised when He went back to the Father. The ‘problem’ is that He is not forceful. Though I have always known that He abides in me since I gave my life to Jesus, the truth is that it has been a long time since I let Him work in and through me. I have wished that He was more like the Father, with great and awesome works that would jolt me into seeking Him more intentionally; or like the son when He was physically present with the first disciples and they got to follow Him wherever He went and He minced no words in teaching them. The Holy Spirit is gentle. He will only guide me into all the truth to the extent that I want to go. When I grasped this, it shook me quite a bit. What time I have wasted, how often I have languished in worry, which resources and effort I have spent in trying to walk this journey alone, trying to ‘make things happen’! All along He has been waiting for me to ask and let Him lead!
To be led by Him means to be submitted to Him. After all He is the one who knows and intercedes for me according to the will of the Father. He has the blueprint of my life. I have discovered again the precious treasures to be unearthed in prayer and fasting. It has unclogged my inner ears and eyes. The rigors of a life lived on the physical plane only and a stomach indulged without self-denial had drowned His voice out. However, life is spiritual. I hear and see Him, more and more clearly now. And now I lean on Him more confidently. I realize He knows the way and He is here to go the whole way with me. His work in and through me is for the long haul, until the day of Christ Jesus.
(Genesis 1:26-28, Romans 8, 1 Peter 2:9-10, Ephesians 2:10, Philippians 1:6)
The race! 